The Witcher is one of the best games I’ve ever played. I cannot fault its combat, writing, characters, or setting, because all of it is fan-bloody-tastic.
Which is why I really, REALLY wish it was better on the Switch.
Heard you were in need of a SWitcher?
The Witcher 3, for those who somehow don’t know, follows Geralt of Rivia, a man who has never been to Rivia, and his quest for his magic adoptive daughter and a woman he may love with or without djinn assistance. It’s pure high fantasy indulgence, and it’s awesome.
The Witcher 3 is a tale of love, loss, snow, and adoptive children with the power to tear down dimensional barriers; yo know, the usual. The game takes our eponymous Witcher from quiet countryside towns and bloody battlefields filled with monsters, to bustling cities and island nations filled with monsters, and even other dimensions that are, you guessed it, chock goddamn full of bunnies… Nah I’m kidding, they’re monsters.
So many monsters.
The Witcher 3’s setting is still, you know, a bit dicey. Although considerably toned down compared to the first two games and their source material, the sexism is still pretty obvious. especially when a certain Kiera Metz gets involved. CD Projekt Red, for as much as I love them, are really proud of how they model naked bodies, and will not shy away from displaying them as often as possible, regardless of how inappropriate it may be.
Use Ciri’s alternate outfit when you’re playing. Please. For your own good.
White Wolf still wows
But the thing I’ve always found with this game is that it manages to rise above all of that. Sure, the women are all half (and sometimes fully) nekkid, but they’re almost all extremely powerful women. From the sorceress seeking to free herself from the past, the enchantress fighting against tyranny and oppression, the young woman trying to save the Continent from some very cold bois, these are some solid role models. Geralt is a badass, as are all the other witchers, but the characterisation of women who could straight-up murder you is exquisite.
The soundtrack of The Witcher 3 has been the soundtrack of my life for half a decade. I listen to that stuff when I run, clean, read; basically anytime I want something in the background. Hell, I’m listening to it right now! It’s also glorious; from Polish women yelling wedding songs as you engage Drowners, or the definitely-not-maddening Gwent theme, each track has its own purpose and beauty.
All of this crystallises together into a beautifully crafted, well written experience that I’m pleased to say I’ve gone through in three seperate 80+ hour playthroughs. So why, you ask, haven’t I given it a perfect score, like I did at the initial release way back when?
Because unfortunately, of all the ways to play The Witcher 3, this is objectively the worst.
The Last Switch
The Switch’s graphic capabilities simply do not do this game justice. The 720p screen makes handheld mode look like you’re playing through a light mist. On the TV it’s better, but still inferior to other consoles or PC. The inputs feel laggier than they did on the other platforms (I checked this against my PS4 Pro and can confirm the Switch version feels more sluggish), making combat less fluid than it ought to be.
Of course, the fact that this is the Complete Edition means that some issues that plagued TW3 way back when are not here. The menu works much better, that’s for damn sure. And the addition of the Hearts of Stone and Blood and Wine DLC makes this a great buy idea for people who never went back to the original game after their release (y’all missed out).
But, again, all of this is now on all platforms, which offer fundamentally better experiences, and for considerably less money too; Wild Hunt is often under $20 on PS4, as opposed to the $90ish you’ll pay for this iteration.
LiLackluster and Gooseberries
The way I review Switch ports is simple; does the added versatility and portability make this a worthwhile addition to your game collection? I judge this almost entirely by how good it feels to play on the Switch. We all know The Witcher 3 is the game of a generation, and if you disagree I am very willing to fight you. I adore this game, but there are better ways to play it to do it justice.
The use case for The SWitcher is that, if you haven’t played before, or if the Switch is your only console, or you specifically want to travel around with it. It only shines in these areas where others would fail, but those are few and far between.
If you haven’t picked up this phenomenal game before, you really should, because it is a masterpiece. But maybe do so on a platform that can truly do it justice.
Ultimately, this is the worst way to play one of the best games.
- Overall